Légèreté

"J’aimerais [qu’il] parle de toi en souriant, qu’il dise juste que tu aimais la vie, que tu étais joyeuse et légère. J’aimerais cela. Qu’il dise comme tu étais légère. Et comme cette légèreté était un cadeau, comme elle m’aidait à vivre, moi qu’un rien aurait pu briser et tu vois, je suis brisée.
Et ce qui m’a brisé ce n’est pas rien. Et c’est irréparable."

"I’d like [him] to smile when talking about you, to simply say you loved life, that you were happy and lighthearted. I’d like that. He should say you were lighthearted. And how it was a gift, how it helped me live, me that would get heartbroken for any little thing and you see, I am broken.
And what broke me isn’t anything. And its irreparable."

when I’m with you

Count my blessings when I’m with you
Can’t stop talking when I’m with you
Hope for the best when I’m with you
It feels so right to be with you

Wish on a star when you’re leaving
Hate the world when you’re leaving
Feel torn apart when you’re leaving
I dread the time you have to leave

Thinking of you when you’re away
Counting the days when you’re away
Working too much when you’re away
I feel lonely when we’re apart

About a dream

I had a dream
It felt so real

Your soul had already left your body
But we could still talk for a little
We could share those last minutes
We had time to say good bye

Time to talk about your unachieved plans
Time to say the things that seemed obvious
Time to share the thoughts assailing us
Time to swear we’ll stay allied forever

Your body was already cold
You were shaking violently
You wanted to make things clear
You wanted to prepare your parting

Wishing you left only friends behind
Wishing they were sad you had to leave
Wishing they were happy you lived
Wishing they only had good memories

But I woke up to realize
We didn’t have time to say good-bye
You didn’t have a chance to sort your life
You were gone too early and forever

From where you are I hope you know
You only left friends behind
You only brought us joy and happiness
We miss you a bit more every day

Aveugle, sourd, muet ...

Je ne vois pas
Je n’entends pas
Je ne parle pas

Je ne vois pas ta souffrance
Je ne vois pas que tu étouffes
Je ne vois pas ton passé
Je ne vois pas que tu te perds

Je n’entends pas tes plaintes
Je n’entends pas quand tu pleures
Je n’entends pas ton tourment
Je n’entends pas quand tu m’appelles

Je ne parle pas de tes désirs
Je ne parle pas de ce qui fâche
Je ne parle pas de tes besoins
Je ne parle pas de ce qui fait mal

Je ne vois pas la porte se fermer
Je n’entends pas tes pas pressés
Je ne parle pas, il est trop tard

Okay, I need to stay calm.

I need to stay calm. I will wake up very soon. This is just a bad dream.

I need to stay calm. I am sitting in front of my computer. I am staring at the screen. Should I shut it off? Maybe that would do the trick.

I need to stay calm. So maybe, maybe, this guy is making a distasteful joke. But why would he? He should know better. He should know I already went through this once.

I need to stay calm. What is he saying? What am I supposed to know already? What is he sorry about?
“Please, stop!
Stop right there!
Don’t say another word.
I am not sure I am ready to hear…”


I need to stay calm. But I hear someone shrieking. It’s very perturbing. Things are so blurry. Someone is definitely screaming. Is it me? It must be in my head. That makes sense since I am dreaming.

I need to stay calm. But why does my head hurt? I am running from room to room, banging my head against every wall and I feel the pain. Is this really happening? Why does it feel so real?

I need to stay calm. I feel like I am sitting watching a bad movie. I see myself screaming and running around. But it’s not me. It can’t be me. I don’t behave this way. No doubt about it, I am dreaming. Please, someone, anyone, help! Wake me up!

I need to stay calm. The cars outside are honking. The children are playing. My neighbors are fighting. These are good signs. Things are going on as usual. It means I am right. If what he says was true, things would stop and turn quiet.

I need to stay calm. The music on my computer is still playing. That’s good. Music is excellent therapy. But why is it playing this song? It doesn’t make sense.
“Such a lonely day in my life,
The most loneliest day of life…
It’s a day that I can’t stand…”
Stop it! I don’t want to hear another word.

I need to stay calm. But now I am choking. This time it’s me. It’s not some freak that looks like me. My heart is beating way too fast; can it come out off my chest? It’s beating so loud. Can you hear it? Someone, please wake me up! I can’t breathe. Get this weight off of my chest! Do something…

I need to stay calm. I am shaking. I am sweating. I think I am going crazy. I am losing control. I am going to hurt myself. Just to make sure I am awake. Will I feel the pain? I doubt it. The pain I feel inside is stronger than the rest.

I need to stay calm. What’s going on? Why do I feel so alone?
I need to stay calm. I know that. So you! You, standing next to me, running after me from room to room, pulling me away from the walls, yes you! Stop telling me to calm down. Why should I? It’s only a dream. Why should I calm down? The more intense it will get the more chances I have to wake up? Isn’t that how it works with nightmares?

I need to stay calm. You’re right. I need to calm down. Maybe it’s real. Where are my meds? I need to sleep. I need to sleep for a very long time.

I need to stay calm. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe when I wake up someone will admit this was one huge mistake. What else can it be?

I need to stay calm. Why again? Why her? Why now? Is somebody out there trying to hurt me? Oh, he did well. He knew where it’d hurt most.

I need to stay calm. But the meds are not helping me. I am drifting away. I am not awake but I am not sleeping. I am in shock, they’d tell me later.

I need to stay calm. I see her everywhere. She’s all around me. I try to catch and the closer I get the further away she seems.

I need to stay calm. Why are you all telling me to let it go? I won’t give her up. I can’t. And look! I am right… Look! There she is!
“There you are!
Stay!
Please don’t move.
Let me hug you.
Let me tell you how much I love you.”
I need to stay calm. I need to feel her skin, feel her hair; I need to smell her perfume, smell the aura of happiness that always accompanied her. I need a sign to tell me she’s still around.

I need to stay calm. But as I get closer, her smile because a smirk, her eyes seem to mock me… and as I close my arms around her, she just vanishes. And she moves to another spot of my head and I run and run. It starts all over again. She laughs, she laughs… Flora, why are you doing this to me?

I need to stay calm. But I cry… I just cry. How much can someone cry? When will the aching stop?

I need to stay calm. So I wait. I wait for someone to tell me I am right; I am fooling all of you. I pretend I am doing fine. I pretend I am holding up. And deep deep inside I keep telling myself:
“She’s not gone,
She can’t be gone.”