Okay, I need to stay calm.

I need to stay calm. I will wake up very soon. This is just a bad dream.

I need to stay calm. I am sitting in front of my computer. I am staring at the screen. Should I shut it off? Maybe that would do the trick.

I need to stay calm. So maybe, maybe, this guy is making a distasteful joke. But why would he? He should know better. He should know I already went through this once.

I need to stay calm. What is he saying? What am I supposed to know already? What is he sorry about?
“Please, stop!
Stop right there!
Don’t say another word.
I am not sure I am ready to hear…”


I need to stay calm. But I hear someone shrieking. It’s very perturbing. Things are so blurry. Someone is definitely screaming. Is it me? It must be in my head. That makes sense since I am dreaming.

I need to stay calm. But why does my head hurt? I am running from room to room, banging my head against every wall and I feel the pain. Is this really happening? Why does it feel so real?

I need to stay calm. I feel like I am sitting watching a bad movie. I see myself screaming and running around. But it’s not me. It can’t be me. I don’t behave this way. No doubt about it, I am dreaming. Please, someone, anyone, help! Wake me up!

I need to stay calm. The cars outside are honking. The children are playing. My neighbors are fighting. These are good signs. Things are going on as usual. It means I am right. If what he says was true, things would stop and turn quiet.

I need to stay calm. The music on my computer is still playing. That’s good. Music is excellent therapy. But why is it playing this song? It doesn’t make sense.
“Such a lonely day in my life,
The most loneliest day of life…
It’s a day that I can’t stand…”
Stop it! I don’t want to hear another word.

I need to stay calm. But now I am choking. This time it’s me. It’s not some freak that looks like me. My heart is beating way too fast; can it come out off my chest? It’s beating so loud. Can you hear it? Someone, please wake me up! I can’t breathe. Get this weight off of my chest! Do something…

I need to stay calm. I am shaking. I am sweating. I think I am going crazy. I am losing control. I am going to hurt myself. Just to make sure I am awake. Will I feel the pain? I doubt it. The pain I feel inside is stronger than the rest.

I need to stay calm. What’s going on? Why do I feel so alone?
I need to stay calm. I know that. So you! You, standing next to me, running after me from room to room, pulling me away from the walls, yes you! Stop telling me to calm down. Why should I? It’s only a dream. Why should I calm down? The more intense it will get the more chances I have to wake up? Isn’t that how it works with nightmares?

I need to stay calm. You’re right. I need to calm down. Maybe it’s real. Where are my meds? I need to sleep. I need to sleep for a very long time.

I need to stay calm. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe when I wake up someone will admit this was one huge mistake. What else can it be?

I need to stay calm. Why again? Why her? Why now? Is somebody out there trying to hurt me? Oh, he did well. He knew where it’d hurt most.

I need to stay calm. But the meds are not helping me. I am drifting away. I am not awake but I am not sleeping. I am in shock, they’d tell me later.

I need to stay calm. I see her everywhere. She’s all around me. I try to catch and the closer I get the further away she seems.

I need to stay calm. Why are you all telling me to let it go? I won’t give her up. I can’t. And look! I am right… Look! There she is!
“There you are!
Stay!
Please don’t move.
Let me hug you.
Let me tell you how much I love you.”
I need to stay calm. I need to feel her skin, feel her hair; I need to smell her perfume, smell the aura of happiness that always accompanied her. I need a sign to tell me she’s still around.

I need to stay calm. But as I get closer, her smile because a smirk, her eyes seem to mock me… and as I close my arms around her, she just vanishes. And she moves to another spot of my head and I run and run. It starts all over again. She laughs, she laughs… Flora, why are you doing this to me?

I need to stay calm. But I cry… I just cry. How much can someone cry? When will the aching stop?

I need to stay calm. So I wait. I wait for someone to tell me I am right; I am fooling all of you. I pretend I am doing fine. I pretend I am holding up. And deep deep inside I keep telling myself:
“She’s not gone,
She can’t be gone.”